Single Black Female- The Epidemic

Single Black Woman

Many women will read the title of this post and be nodding their heads vigorously as I broach the topic of the Single Black Female (SBF) epidemic.

Momentous occasions like Christmas and family celebrations are often times that reignite these discussion over and over again as the realisation of being single for a subsequent year can really start to wear thin as increasing number of black women automatically join up unwillingly to the SBF mailing list.

I am writing this blog as a black woman who fortunately is in a wonderful prosperous relationship with my Nubian Prince (Amen!). But for some reason, I have so many SBF friends. Why is this? This question has probably got to be on every SBF’s lips. Women who have had these countless conversations know that they do not always end nicely as the debate often gets heated with the myriad of opinions which can be seen as highly controversial but are also very sensitive when it involves opinions of black men as well as black women.

So I decided to do my own research into this, speaking to other black males and SBF’s, I wanted to find out what the main reasons could be that may contribute to the SBF’s growing proportions. These are a few that were put forward:

‘BLACK WOMEN ARE TOO DEMANDING…’

Black Male Perspective

Black women are too demanding in what they want from their man. They want a tall, dark, handsome educated man who is also meant to earn a decent salary with excess cash to wine and dine his lady and shower with gifts. However the black male says ‘You want all this from us, BUT what do YOU have to offer?’. Can women also be seen to be offering a similar package? For example, a black male may also want a tall/petite woman, with flawless skin, who doesn’t wear makeup, has amazing fashion sense and is agreat cook who also holds down a good job and lavishes them with gifts. Why cant a 21st Century woman also provide the same? Why cant a modern-day black woman also be emotionally available and trustworthy and reliable? When the tables are turned, it may seem uncomfortable, but there are many women out there who do not meet this criteria but are quite insistent on a guy having it. Remember some women, can give others a bad name.

Black Female Perspective

Black women want in a man, what any other woman would want in a man. But it often does ring true that ’empty vessels make the most noise’ when it comes to women making demands on what they want in a man when they themselves have not got their own lives together.

The checklist of tall, dark and handsome may seem superficial, but is often an ideal, but one can fantasize can’t they?!. Other qualities which are more solid that most women I speak to also include honesty, reliability, financially and emotionally stable but these are not too much to ask for, are they? So where are all the guys?

What I do find from some black women is that maybe their criteria may be too stringent and relaxing the boundaries a little may certainly be a good idea. Not every one is perfect, and that means that one has to give and take with what they are looking for on both sides. SBF’s, you are not going to find your perfect man as if you are picking ‘Ken’ from the shelf of a toy shop. Sometime one has to make allowances. Individuals can grow and develop and become better people when they enter into a strong supportive relationship and maybe this should be taken into consideration even more.

I think black women like myself in the UK are mostly 1st and second generation of African and Afro-Caribbean parents, and we may have grown up in times of poverty and social deprivation. As a result, now being grown women, we may aspire to want more things that we didn’t have growing up. Therefore it may appear that some of us focus on material things, but it is not paramount and there is much more than meets the eye.

ADVICE

My advice would be for SBF’s to expand their checklist and compromise. You may meet a wonderful man who may have children already, or who is not financially stable at present but is making efforts to become so. Sometimes being part of his journey may be what solidifies you. Superficial things such as looks or what car he drives means nothing. Because once the money goes, you may find yourself in a miserable position with an empty shell relationship that was built on sand and not of concrete.

Beautiful Black Woman

‘BLACK WOMEN ARE TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE…’

Black Male Perspective

This may be such a stereotypical statement but you know what stereotypes do- they stick and then even many black women and men agree or even fulfill this negative perception of themselves to their detriment. So the stereotypical black woman spends over the odds on her hair, has to have the latest fashions, wants to eat at expensive restaurants but wants a man to be funding all of it but keeps her own money all to herself. This sadly are some of the things black men think of their fellow ladies.

Black men I spoke to not only say that Black women can be high maintenance in monetary terms, but also emotionally. Women with ‘father of their baby’ dramas or cousins or brothers who want to be extra macho to prove a point (for reasons unfounded) and are prepared to start trouble at the slightest cause of a disagreement. I think that any woman of any race can be high-maintenance as this is far from exclusive to black women, but it is them who have the stereotypes set against them. I know many women who would never want or need a man maintain them but are more than able to maintain themselves. But it is this negative perception that can make men want to take the ‘easier option’ which may mean dating out of their race. Maybe as black women we need to dispel this damaging stereotype and show by example that this is far from the majority and more on the minority.

Black Female Perspective

Black women tell me, all the so-called ‘drama’ that may surround them, is the same drama that a black male will know very well and be a part of himself coming from a black family that often involves aunts, sisters, cousins etc. So in fact, they may be able to understand and deal with it better than anyone else! So what is the problem? Other than that, not all black women are so concreted about their hair and nails as is made out to be, thus this excuse is rubbished immediately. There are many talented, selfless and altruistic women who are more intelligent and have much more to offer than what meets the eye. Once again, you should never judge a book by its cover or judge a weave by the person who is wearing it.

ADVICE

My advice is that every one has to be judged on an individual basis and not all black women fulfil the stereotypes given to us by society and black men and women should be helping to break this mould for the general good and future progression of black people today.

Black Women Do take Part in Winter Sports!

‘BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT OPEN-MINDED…’

Black Male Perspective

The men are saying black women are not open-minded enough and that may be a barrier to forming friendships and lasting relationships. They feel some black women are too stuck in their ways and don’t reach out to new pastures such as skiing or travelling to places which other non-black women may like to do. Black males are more likely to do more of these things thus meet similar people along the way and these women are often not black!

Black men may go to other types of clubs- (not just for blacks) and eat out at other types of restaurants (not jus Caribbean food) where some black women don’t venture out to.

They feel black women can be too stiff and just don’t relax enough to enjoy the array of things life has to offer. As a result, they miss out on these opportune meetings with like-minded individuals and thus are less likely to be in relationships, especially with black men if that is their preference.

Black Female Perspective

Black women can be open-minded, and the things afore-mentioned, some black women do. But not large proportions. You are more likely to find black males travel far and wide more than black women. And I’m not saying black women should be doing 18-30’s holidays to Greece to be considered to be being open-minded, but trips to art galleries and theatres are not exclusive to other cultures except blacks. Now I am not demeaning black women- it is not that we don’t do these things, but maybe we should be doing it more. Equally some black men are very closed-minded so the door swings both ways.

ADVICE

Be more open to trying new things and being experimental. Dont always stick to what is in your comfort zone. Dont ever say things like ‘that is not what WE do’ (meaning there is a defining line of what is considered to be black and you are ‘selling out’ if you do things outside of this). The world is too big and life is too short to be thinking this way. Women, get together and list things you would want to try or do individually or together such as wine tasting or travelling for a cultural experience in South America. Who knows, you may learn more about yourself, gain more knowledge about the world and meet very interesting people along the way.

‘BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT APPROACHABLE…’

Black Male Perspective

Black women are considered to be unapproachable. Full stop. Black men say that when they try to speak to them, they are dissed or ignored- often quite rudely. Black women may appear to give off superiority signals and it is this that can affect a man’s self-esteem. A man may not want to keep putting his hand in the fire to get burned from the offset. As a result, they look elsewhere where even if they get a knock-back, it is often more discreet and done more gently as to not make them feel lesser of a man or embarrassed. Black girls in groups can also be seen as being hostile and who wants to walk into hostile regions? Thats no man’s idea of fun. For some it is a challenge. For others it is a turn-off.

Black Female Perspective

Some women defend their right to diss and dismiss if they are approached with a ‘hiss’ or a shout-out from across the road which can be equally embarrassing and outright! A woman wants to be approached respectfully and with decency- good black women are more likely to respond if it is done right but are also most likely to let you know if it is done badly.

ADVICE

Some men need to change their approach which will get a better response, but also SBF meed to may be ‘open-minded’ and maybe not dismiss a man so readily and publicly even if it turns out that it is not a person you would ever envisage yourself being with!

‘BLACK WOMEN DO NOT DATE OUTSIDE OF THEIR RACE…’

In the UK and also the USA, black males are more likely to date outside their race than any other race. Have a look at this article on CNN showing statistically black males date and marry more out of their race more than black females.

Black love

Black Male Perspective

Women are beautiful in every shape, size and colour. Media promotes many forms of beauty and as a result, black males are attracted to non-black women, thus there are more options (as there may be more to choose from in terms of numbers- this is definitely the case in the UK) and thus a black woman may be more likely to find herself single for longer. Black males may find that ‘opposites attract’ and that is attractive in itself. White women may be seen as being less unstable, their families being more accepting of them and thus are deemed as being more easy-going. White women in comparison to black women may be seen as being more approachable also. Black males dating out their race is nothing new and has been going on for years and is certainly the norm in many parts of the world. However as more black males, and in particular more successful black males date and marry non-black women (mainly white women), then this may explain the increasing number of SBFs. It is often the circles that successful black males rotate in are less likely to include black women, and therefore the partners they choose are more likely to be non-black.

Black Female Perspective

Most black women I speak to want to date black males. Some women say that they are not attracted to non-black males. They are attracted to black males for the same reason non-black women are also attracted to black males! But it is a difficult balance when a significant proportion of the black males date white or other non-black women. Therefore the chances of finding your black price, and a successful black prince at that, is much more narrow. Hence the growth of the SBF.

It is not to say that black women are not happily enjoying love and relationships with white and non black males and it seems SBF who have been single for a long time, are thinking that they also may need to expand their options and consider dating out of their race so they are not left waiting their whole reproductive-lives waiting for that great black hope that may never meet.

ADVICE

I’m sure you know that this topic is so massive, I would need an encyclopaedia to cover it.. If you choose to date in or out of your race, then it is solely your choice and no-one else’s. You have to live your life. I truly believe love is colour-blind and has no boundaries and that is the beauty of it. However, the discussion is of SBF and these SBFs who want a SBM (single black male!) and is clear to see today that the numbers are just not available. But if it is what you want, then you should consider some of the points and be adaptable to your situation and persevere! There is hope as you will know married black couples and it certainly does exist.

GENERAL ADVICE FOR MY SBF’S

As 2013 is approaching, it is a new year to make new resolutions and changes. It is a great time to blow off the cobwebs and improve. Make a better you. Make a more attractive, appealing, smart and approachable you. If you work on improving yourself and being the best who you can be, you will find that you will attract a similar type of person. Do not go out desperately trying to find a man, as desperation often shows. Just enjoy your life- good things will come. Try new hobbies, travel to new countries, join new groups. Try sporting holidays. Take some time for yourself. Focus on you, and you will have the man of your dreams come knocking on your door in no time.

Mavis for NubianSisters.com

28 responses to “Single Black Female- The Epidemic

  1. This was a nicely written piece. I’m in my early thirties & have heard all of these explanations before; unfortunately it still doesn’t help a lot of us find a mate (or a mate to find us). Ah well, our plight continues…

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